2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
PLAN B IS EXPENSIVE ON A $50 A WEEK BUDGET.
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
WHY WONT HOT GETMAN MAKR PUPR WITH ME!!!!???!?!!
So he got the TA job but i told him its not official until we have a quickie on his desk. He offered to break into his office. He doesnt start until this fall.
Per my usual Thursday, I blacked out and slept on the stairs.
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
I woke up in a beaver hat and contruction vest.. I need answers.
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
Randomize
