Hoooooo maaaaan
Yes?
I'm retarded. Again.
He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
So I had to explain to her that pussy doesn't mean a cat
My male hookup buddy is gonna meet my female hookup buddy, let the awkward hookup games begin!
i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
I like to play this game where I try to reach orgasm before my bathtub overflows....lost tonight.
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
Randomize
