All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
That song just makes me wanna take off my top and shake my titties all around the club.
I think my dick has healed enough that we can start having sex again
you'll kiss me after i give you a blowjob but you wont kiss me after I eat apple sauce? am I the only one who sees something wrong with this?
Step one: We finally agreed on an au pair that we both wanna fuck.
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
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