you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
I want to be the sort of person he can respect in the morning once the drugs wear off.
i think the last part kind of negates the first part there
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
Got arrested last night. My cell mate just added me on Facebook.
We go out and drink, fuck, and I stay the night. He agrees to it because he knows I'll hook him up to IV fluids in the morning. Everyone wins
So I'm never gonna get to see you again?
Hopefully.
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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