Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
he puts the penis in happiness.
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
he acted like he had never seen anyone snort lines of adderall off of a microwave before. freshman.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
If sitting in the car passing a flask back and forth because the bar we go to is having some power issues on Christmas eve isn't Christmas spirit, then I don't know is.
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
after further investigation i found out he's a little bit married..
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
drinking right out of the bottle and nobody bats an eye.
its good to be home.
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
Randomize
