my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
There's a "art of the blow job" class in the city. We should go
Baby, I'm all set with that. That would be like trying to teach bruce lee how to kick someone in the head
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
we are cooking lunchables pizzas on a fire pit.
Just took a final in the room where I lost my virginity. I think it was god luck.
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
Randomize
