even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
Umm, ya, half our class is sitting in starbucks passing around flasks. Yes, flasks. Plural. Going to join them, we're all giving oral presentations in 20. Go hard or go home.
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
Just remember that I named his dick Robo-cock before he got into the sheriff's department.
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
I have someone saved in my phone as "This Hoe Ain'tit' Loyal" and I'm missing my superman boxers. Explain.
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
I support your vibrator fueled lifestyle.
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
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