I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
I heard a loud ass thump and then I saw both dogs coming around the corner.... Without him. I went to check out what happened and the dogs apparently pulled him down onto his face, knocking him out.
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
He's used the term "balls deep" 3 times in the first hour. Thanks a lot, Plenty of Fish.
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
I was thinking that, but I'm not sure the proper etiquette on asking about someone's nipple rings. Even if you did see them and compliment them once.
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
I think after 8 tries we can say Stoli Thursdays cause too much damage.
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
you know you're in deep when you watch fear and loathing in las vegas and every damn scene is relatable.
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
Randomize
