I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
No I'm done finals, but I'm not coming home until these hickeys are gone.
I actually kinda like her but everyone else hates her, so consider it a third party grudgefuck.
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
I'm pmsing and only have one functional foot
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
Randomize
