Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
So can we talk about how we all three made out with the bike taxi driver in lieu of paying him. I'm not even mad, that's resourceful. You know what married girls would have had to do? They'd have had to pay.
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
You showed them your nipple for dollars for the jukebox. You were depressed because only one of your songs played. Oh then you twisted your ankle and blamed it on your mad stripper skills.
No shame in my game.
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
is it weird that our first time having sex was makeup sex?
Exactly best part of my night he took of his shirt and surprise traveler fanny pack
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
Randomize
