my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
something came early last nite... and lemme tell u it wasn't christmas...
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
Nuts. Absolutely nuts. she just screamed in my face something about not knowing whats happening and then got tackled by a dude
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
How do we have all these hot friends who we never do body shots off of
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
You give an incredible blow job. I wanted to make sure you know it was appreciated
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
I just left and he walked me out and went call me if you're ever... Eh... Whatever. And walked away.
Who died my cat blue again?
I kinda wanna drive through the Gator bar parking lot and seeing if my panties are on they ground, they should be right next to my pride...
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
Randomize
