My underwear smells like fireworks.
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
we've called him dos banos ever since he threw up in 2 separate bathrooms with the same puke
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
I have bruises everywhere. I think I took "the drinks are strong" as more of a challenge than a warning.
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
Yeah even if I got stabbed it would be worth it
I hope you get some kind or rare disease that makes your dick ties itself in a knot for fucking her you lucky bastard.
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
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