You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
She uses empty wine bottles as book ends. 2 on each side. At least 8 shelves.
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
He's used the term "balls deep" 3 times in the first hour. Thanks a lot, Plenty of Fish.
It's pretty fantastic. I just wanna know how your bra ended up in the aquarium the other night.
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
Randomize