What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
No,she came up with a new game: "Where is the most interesting place I can show Drew my asshole?"
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Randomize
