The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
i was sitting in the back seat of her car with her boyfriend while she was driving. it was pretty awkward, but i dont think "so my dick's been in your girl's mouth too" was a good ice breaker
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
drunk old tina is grateful for 14 yr old tina for placing glow-in-the-dark stickers on my light switch...just avoided so many injuries
If court goes my way we are flying to Vegas.
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
Randomize
