Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
and before you know it i was laying next to him at 2 in the morning with penis and sadness on my breath.
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
Oh please not the Easy Cheese again. That was weird.
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
The first thing we did this morning was see if we could see her barf in the prking lot from the roof. We could. It was in 5 spaces.
Some girl is sitting topless in the kitchen and having a Skype video chat with some guy. I already like it here.
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Randomize
