Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
literally every day that goes by where he doesn't talk to me makes me more determined to get him to have sex with me
how was it?
he was petting the bushes because they were "napkins"
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
She came out of my bathroom wearing nothing but high top Converse, a leather jacket and a tongue stud. I love rock bars.
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
Dude... this pee is not alleged
YOU SAT ON MY LAP!
Wuddup pee lap
Randomize
