she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
I basically go to him for great dick and great memes.
I am at a cat party and I just witnessed people lapping vodka out of a bowl for a contest. Lol
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
Randomize
