Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
that was the first time i tried it. why is it all sticky? its like somebody threw a glue bottle at my face.
She had just swallowed, of course i didnt kiss her goodbye
Wasn't she moving abroad?
Are you really going to debate this?
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
The cops high fived after they tackled you
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
Randomize
