Did you dl zombie porn on my computer?
Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
will emailing you the 64 kama sutra positions I want to try during the 3 days your here turn you on or terrify you?
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
also I was promised more toga parties by popular media
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
I'm so sorry for trying to eat your puzzle last night...
Randomize
