i paused nhl 10 while i jerked off and it was like a crowd was cheering me on
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
yo everyone went to the hospital last night
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
I like to take my ritalin one pill at a time with each pill spaced out a couple minutes so I feel like I'm going super saiyan when they kick in.
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
I masterbated poison ivy onto my penis, it hasn't been this upset with me since the Take one for the team fiasco of 02.
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
I’ve lost count of how many disciplines of science this conversation about Harry Potter has gone through.
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
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