After he told me that it's up to him to carry on his family name, I almost felt bad for not letting him cum inside me.
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
He makes me want to shower. It must be love.
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
I also just told a guy I was available for counseling in case he needed to 'bang' things out. I've become a monster.
I'm really glad that we can be casual hook up buddies. This is a true friendship. Now, please convince your roommate to do the same. Thanks.
Also this freshmen guy is talking about his gag reflex and no one is making blowjob jokes. I have no faith in the next generation.
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
We're going to get naked and build a fort instead. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
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