just gave a homeless man a kiss in exchange for two handles
exact location. now.
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
So he just rolled you off his dick and fell on the floor?
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
Randomize
