In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
it was like fucking with batman, he had gadgets i never even imagined
Did we both pass out talking about cake last night?
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
is anything happening tonight?? I'm soooo in need of a tasteful and healthy bender.
He's ninety percent amazing leader, brother, and teacher, and ten percent unforgivable douche. These are the men I look up to in my life.
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
You use your abs way more than I realized. Btw multiple orgasms is the best thing I've ever discovered.
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
Randomize
