GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
She is wearing lilly and pearls while drinking natty from a monogrammed coozie. If that isn't a sorosititue I don't know what is
We totally just fucked in a closet. These vacations with his family are causing creativity I never thought I had.
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
just curious, were the inflatable penis' received? Amazon says they were delivered.
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
Randomize
