At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
if it makes u feel better, i skipped class so i could go to a sex convention in jersey a few hours earlier than if i went to class.
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
