Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
Yea we slept in ur room but im 80% sure we didnt have any peanut butter in there
He's hot though. It's not like he JUST got out of prison. That was like months ago
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
there are not enough nopes in the world for that situation.
My vagina has made plenty life decisions and I would like to point out very few if not any of them were in my favor.
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
Randomize
