he called to tell me the scratches were still on his back. this was in the summer.. still the best hookup
Playing the biology drinking game in my 8am. Drink everytime he says species or organism. I love st. Patricks day
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
If she wants experimental lesbian sex, i call dibs
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
He's a freak. Not like "freak in the bed" freak but like "eats glue in the weekends" freak.
Randomize
