Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
Soo both my 8 year old sister and fuck buddy are named Sarah..
this can't be going anywhere good
nooope. guess which one i texted last nite to come over so i could "punish her pussy"? =\
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
You showed the cops outside of the bar your boobs and then decided to go apologize to them. They admitted that the reason they hung out there was because of girls like you.
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
The trick will be getting hammered before we get to the first bar
Challenge accepted
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
The bros used their bong water as pong water but I walked in mid game and didn't know so they hit our first cup and I chugged it.
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
