I just spent $27 on things to pee on.
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
Found my puke from September encrusted to the floor under the dresser while cleaning before move out ..... Oh Freshman year
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
I feel so much better about my break up knowing that he's having his 26th birthday at Rollar kingdom\n
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
but seriously, an anthropology paper shouldn't be hard if you're trashed, right?
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
last night someone said that theyd like to do drugs with a dolphin ... judging from the diagram on the wall we figured it out.
all we need now is a dolphin ... and some drugs.
Randomize
