I just made $100 from people paying me not to get naked at the party... I need those P90X dvds
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
I have to be more responsible. I've dropped three lighters into my bong today.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
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