on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
Its not low standards. We're more of like a self esteem camp for average girls
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
Well, I watched a girl proposition a shit ton of people, try to take a cocktail waitresses job and then proceed to walk into a wall. Damn, I'm a little jealous.
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
Lesson learned:nothing good comes from an at home wax kit.
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
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