everytime i listen to a chris brown song and like it i feel like i bad person
Do u kno any dealers?
I've officially lost all respect for you, dad.
Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
I've grown it out to 70s proportions. I'm calling it my chastity pelt.
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Randomize
