The guy I fucked in the port a poty just called me and asked me on a date!
Awkward!
No he was cute and I said yes!
Hey babe, chan wants you to stop texting her about the size of TJ's dick. please.
Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I feel like I don't show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
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