We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
no dude free pina colada`s taste like what I would expect my penis to taste like except gay-er.
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
I mean, he drove your car and it burst into flames, if anyone cant be trusted, it's him.
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
But really, what kind of hoe life adventure in Mexico would you do that would top me blowing a trucker?
Randomize
