ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
I just masturbated to the audio from my psych lecture . . . this screwing my prof fantasy is getting serious.
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
his blanket is still in the back seat of my car, its like a constant reminder of his small penis
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
Kyle's mobile fuck service..... Kinda has a nice ring to it don't you think??
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
this party is nice, but i have to go home and cry over anime in order to fill my daily quota of suffering
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
Randomize
