So instead of cumming in her, I peed in her...
What did she do!?
I didn't tell her...
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
When I told the bartender it was my 21st birthday, he looked at me all pissed and said "But you've been drinking here as 21 for the past 2 years.." How do you THINK the night went?
So I take it free shots were a no after that?
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
