I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
that girl last night was a 15
wait she was 15?
no like black jack not sure if you should hit it
i friday night watching house. god, i need a life, friends, and a legitimate fake id.
As long as they suck a good dick I don't care what fruit they have and where they have it
making cat noises will not fix the situation.
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
Wydf in so deruk i just dowwned a packet if salt waitibg for food at del taco
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
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