So I said to her: one time i broke my dick and when they took off the cast i could cum across a baseball field
No, you can still breathe under the balls.
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
at the resort hottubing with french twins, who brought champange. this should be a postcard.
i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
I just feel like Im gonna be remembered as that one RA guy that used to sell weed
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
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