the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
Dude she was 62...with a boob job. And I'm proud to say I made out with that.
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
he knocked a glass of water onto my bed and then said that he should get to sleep on the dry side because he was "a guest"
idk. a stripper just bit me. I'm so disoriented
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
I can't imagine a friend I would rather lose my virginity to in a threesome.
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