My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
just watched a cripple ollie in his wheelchair to get on to the elevated floor in the bar. I. LOVE. WISCONSIN
Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one
I want to throw pennies on her stage, or just ripping up a dollor bill and throw them one at a time.
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
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