It's sad that I have started checking out the ring finger before the rack...I'm getting old
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
She dumped a fish bowl of alcohol on herself. Just like flash dance.
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
He got you flowers. How bad can the sex really be?
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
Randomize
