After watching Cinemax for a few months, real porn just grosses me out.
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
I'm pregaming for my hair cut. Working two jobs definately taught me how to use my time wisely...
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
Challenge: Try to have your balls hanging out in every picture you take tonight
Challenge Accepted
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
How many stacks you been grindin gangsta?
omg mom no
It's so blood brotha crip what be good
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
He said that he made a girl squirt to the ceiling and I got curious
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
Randomize
