I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
i've lived in the woods for so long, as long as its post-op, i don't care.
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
I'm the kind of girl who misses her mouth when trying to eat, do you honestly think I'm coordinated enough to wear heels during sex?
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
When God made him he put all his talent in his dick. What he lacks in brain, he makes up for in loin.
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
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