i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
I saved him in my fone as special pumba. he was just pumba but then he found me drugs
even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
I don't care where my tongue is but i t's going to be in all the pictures.
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
i think our first tip to leave should have been when we saw the drinks were coming out of a gas can
I had forgotten what it was like to go to all four classes. It's exhausting.
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
I wasn't concerned until I realized he was using the vase my birthday flowers came in as a " big glass" for his 151 and coke.
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
Holy sore nipples Batman
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
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