would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
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There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
I still have way too many Frat houses to get blackout drunk at before I'm get in any type of relationship
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
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And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
Awww I'm so proud! Starting friendships before you hook up!
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
Also either i just launched into space as a rocket or my legs just orgasmed, but i am high as a soul train
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
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