A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
Pre-drinking/conditioning my liver for this impending hurricane party associated with cat. 2 hurricane Irene. Be ready to roll in a weather channel minute.
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
yes i am an adult who snuck out of my parents house to cuddle with a guy and then came home and listened to taylor swift. judge me all you want.
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
the cops accepted 42 wallaby way Sydney. and the cops, and cab driver accepted the new address. please tell the win i am experiencing
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
Randomize
