I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
if reincarnation is for serious, i better be a guy in my next life
with a huge shlong
massive. i wanna make bitches cry
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
Can we please not be like these pathetic people in their thirties who only get drunk when they go see Sherrill Crow?
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
Imagine if you could have something so delicious, like your taste buds went on LSD while eating a chocolate tiramisu. That's the opposite of what cum tastes like.
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
stop fucking thinking about him when there is A MILLION OTHER PENISES TO RIDE IN THE WORLD
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
What happened?
Vodka. Vodka happened.
He ate me out in a golf cart while I watched the sunset. You are so right, golf skirts do provide amazing access.
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