you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
I figured he was gay when I walked in on him working out to Flirty Girl Fitness.
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"
So do I get to ride the beginning of the November stache or what?
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
Randomize
