Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
I need a Xanax. A Veggie Delight. And exhibition style sex.
She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.
She gave us all a pep talk at the bus stop at 1 AM. It involved cupcakes and somehow ended with her making out with her best friend. God bless college.
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
She was wearing some slutty variation of a toga and giving the entire bus a pep talk on why we should black out tonight...I'M IN LOVE AND I DON'T CARE WHO KNOWS IT!
Apparently after I threw up I put my socks in the toilet......
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
You're either getting fucked or a coupon to Friendly's. I haven't decided yet.
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
Randomize
