So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
The sex was so not worth the four dollars it cost to drive over the bridge
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
you never know what sharing a kayak could lead to
It's true
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
NO. NONE OF THAT. SHAME ON YOU.
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
You told everyone to shut up then told the officer that you are 21 when you drink.
Being forward is somethimes a problems. Like in sexual deity Kong.
I think you’re losing coherence.
I am
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
Randomize
