I sware she could use her own nose as a dildo.
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
So, my love of dick may have landed me in a cult. On the bright side, I now have a discount at Spencer's.
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
Your bf is wearing nothing but a cape, I mean absolutely NOTHING but a cape. I know you said he looks like Thor but this is getting a bit ridiculous.
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Randomize
